Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
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corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
No, I don’t think I will.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Cashiers are always checking me out
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.