Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
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Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
“That’s what” – She
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.