Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
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You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.