me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
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“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
jesus christ confetti not now
Its a hippotatomus
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My love language is deader than Latin
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…