Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented