Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
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There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad