“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
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Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
A great tip. #CakeRex
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Donkey Kong sommelier
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one