Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
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I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
*serious situation*
My brain:
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …