My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this