“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I missed you with all my darts
Alexa: *deep breath*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction