My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.