Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
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Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?