*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?