I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
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All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Lunatics are gonna loon.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever