idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
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HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.