ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
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Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
There are usually two types of merchants.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start