Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.