Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
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The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
this has to be peak English
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.