The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
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Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
When your man makes a valid point
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.