Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
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If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
WTF
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen