I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone