ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.