Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.