My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
You Might Also Like
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me My dog
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Oh yeah that’s it
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
how to market bottled water to dads
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.