Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
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[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
the three branches of government
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.