Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
The sacred texts.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
kids play hide and seek like
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.