Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Autocarrot sucks!
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”