Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I know karate and tons of other words.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Found the job I’m suited for
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*