To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
WTF
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.