Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
You Might Also Like
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Yes, this is exactly right
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake