Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
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Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Cake safety first. Always.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.