Baking is just science you can eat.
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive