“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.