Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I’m good, thanks.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?