Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
guys I’m going home
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Challenge accepted.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue