How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet