Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.