8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫