“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
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I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
sir, my pâté if you please
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
When you’ve simply given up.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed