What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
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Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?