It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
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I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
never deleting this app.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad