How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
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Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
The two types of wives
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me