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We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip