My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
You Might Also Like
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.