I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.