Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter