You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
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I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.