Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
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Best spoiler warning ever
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.