Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
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Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Monday Lisa
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…