[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?